I hate that I can’t save the world from how we’re destroying ourselves.

But I can try.


my God is full of awesome

don’t look at the past again / the first and last has made everything new / and you are too / so lift your hands / and let your story be told

Break Your Knees, Flyleaf

The power of worship, community and love just overwhelms me sometimes. And the power of any of these things would not be able to exist without a very loving, powerful and overwhelming God.

Ground Zero tonight was awesome—inspiring, refreshing, recharging.

There is something very awesome about praying with your sisters in Christ—praying with people who are perhaps just discovering the redemptive love of Jesus in their lives.  There is something very awesome about being on your knees in awe of all that God can, has and WILL do.  There is something very awesome about feeling the stillness, the love and the PRESENCE and WHOLENESS of God.

There is something awesome about knowing that no matter what, He CAN and WILL make it all become okay and that we can TRUST Him in that—that we can trust him in anything.

There is nothing more awesome.  There is nothing more I could want in life than to know MORE of that awesome.

i’m letting You drive – here i am right where i belong

–drive, ed kowalczyk

I think I’ve mentioned before I’m not a big fan of proselytism/freaky evangelism.  Evidently guilt tripping people toward Jesus works on some level.  If it didn’t, people like Franklin Graham would be out a job.  You cant tell me that the dude doesn’t profit somehow off of converting people to Christianity (read: books, music festivals).

I really don’t believe Jesus would dig guilt tripping.  Stuff like “you’re going to hell.” or “you’re sinning” if you don’t believe in Him. Evidently if people don’t believe in Jesus as God they don’t CARE about the guilt-tripping anyway because they probably don’t believe in hell anyways (I don’t know if I even believe in hell, but that’s another post).

I don’t believe trying to convert people, trying to “lead” people to Christianity works.  I think it’s all on God.  That doesn’t mean we can’t pray for people—“we choose the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it” (Proverbs 16:9).  That means letting Him stay in front.

We can share our stories—I’m big on personal stories.  We can share what we believe His message is and how we think He’s worked in our lives if someone is open to listening.  The listening, though, only comes after God begins stirring in someone’s heart, I think.  He has never stopped leading, so why try to beat Him where He’s going?

Screaming scripture and public prayer likely isn’t gonna make anyone want what you’re doing.  Drop your motives before you start a relationship—that’s not what a relationship is about.

God puts us where we are for a reason.  We are right where He wants us, we are right where we belong.

The only way into a relationship with anybody is to love them where they’re at.

Always love.

what if i believe You now, could it ever change this heart?

I can’t get over what Jesus did.  And at the same time I can’t get over the time that I wasted, the time that I just didn’t care.  He forgives me, He’s forgiven me for five and a half years (five and a half years TODAY, I just realized), and I need to get over the wasted days.

I can’t get over that He bridged the gap.

Can’t get over all He’s done for me.

Can’t say “thank You” enough times for it to pacify me, even though I know thanking Him once and giving Him my life was enough for Him.

I can’t get over it.

but i wouldn’t believe Him, He did all that He could, i still would not believe Him.

i left His arms empty and tied, outstretched for me until He died.

and here i am alive, and i don’t have the right.  and He gave me the right, costing Him His life, new mercies in the morning.

i believe, what if i believe You now?  could it ever change this heart?  forgive me, relieve me, please come back to life . . .

circle, flyleaf

Jesus’ love changed this heart.  Jesus’ love continues to change this heart.

And I can’t get over it.

i only notice Your face, no matter what You’re gonna break my shell

I’m Sorry | Flyleaf

So the day started off sucking.  I woke up to a nosebleed [which like, never happens but has happened twice this winter], both my debit cards and my bus pass were missing, and you know, it was early.  I was pretty much ready to write the day off before it even started.

Starbucks fixed me.  Not only because of the copious amounts of caffeine and sugar it caused me to consume, which did help, and not only because it was delicious, but because out of nowhere, Starbucks messed up both mine and Terina’s drinks which we looked at in confusion as they arrived on the counter:


That is one heck of a Frappuccino.  Not only that, is that I discovered White Mocha Frappuccinos, which are delicious and I was okay to consume a large amount of white mocha Frapp due to that delicious.  But yes, huge.  Thank goodness for Tiffani sitting beside me helping me with it throughout the service this morning.

The Frappuccino sat under my chair as the service went on and as the service ended awaiting consumption, perhaps awaiting when I would need another cheer-up. 

Our latest series is on tough stuff in general–today was no exception, today delivered, because life can be hard.  They’re services that it’s hard to get through if you have any sort of personal connection to the topic.  Today’s service was especially hard for one of my friends sitting beside me, and it spoke to parts of my past, too, parts that I have overcome with Jesus . . . things that Jesus is working in my friend to overcome.  At times like that, He Loves Us is more impactful than it is on a non-heavy Sunday morning.  I definitely didn’t get through “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about . . . how He loves us.” without some tears (which happens more often than not.  I mean, how GOOD is that lyric?]

I firmly believe though that tears are outward signs of God working on the inside, outward signs of beginning or continual healing, and that is a really cool thing.  A thing that lead to the end of service, sitting with my arms around the same friend from above and just praying for God to help her feel that He is walking with her through this . . . tears heal.  Love heals.  JESUS heals.

And Starbucks to pick you up again doesn’t hurt . . . prayer being draining is definitely a good thing too.  There is LIGHT in all of this.  But if darkness didn’t exist . . . light wouldn’t matter.  It is amazing how God created such things to complete one another.

The irony is, LIGHT ended up being our unintentional theme in our room today with the three year olds.  I was trying to think up a quote about children [since our Bible verse had already been there a month] for our board.  I got this:

photo (14) The lady at the desk behind me told me I was very creative when I was drawing stars all over it.  I think being creative is a prerequisite for working with three year olds.  So, I guess I’m in the right place.  [See also: I know how to deal with criers and new kids ;).  New kiddo today and it was her family’s first time at our church.  She clung to her mom, I showed them around, she got excited by the trains, and did not care about her mom leaving anymore (though, she did wait for me before going anywhere, but that works, whatever).

Here was our craft:photo (15)

photo (16)

How cute is that?

LIGHT, hugs and high-fives from three year olds and goofy praise songs were exactly what I needed after the service.

(Oh yeah, and my bus pass and one of two debit cards were found)

. . . Cause there’s a light in your eyes, and it tells me that God is on our side.

Light in Your Eyes | Flyleaf

Yahweh, look what You’ve done for me

look what You’ve done for me / Your blood has set me free / Jesus my Lord, look what You’ve done for me / i haven’t been the same / ever since that day i called Your name / Yahweh, Yahweh, look what You’ve done for me

what can i do for You, my Lord? / i want You to know my heart is Yours / it’s not a question of what You can do for me / but what can i do for You my Lord?

up to Your cross I crawl / now i am standing ten feet tall / Jesus my Saviour, look what You’ve done for me / free at last, i’m free / i owe You my life completely / Yahweh, Yahweh, look what You’ve done for me

look what You’ve done // tree 63

So because I was playing with cute three year olds [read: being hugged, being followed, being used for a chair, making endless bathroom trips, reading stories and being ignored until I stopped, etc] I missed service today.  We only had one service, so therefore I missed Tiffani getting baptized, and I missed the epic music [sans Drew.  Still have not been to a Drew-less service, and I assume it will be lower on the awesome-level, albeit still awesome, because that’s just how my church family rolls] that commenced today.  I love my church family so much.  I am starting to feel really, really settled and I am so, so happy.

I missed Look What You’ve Done, He Loves Us [what is this song actually called, anyway? ‘He Loves Us’, ‘How He Loves’ or ‘How He Loves Us’?] and another equally awesome song upstairs in service.  I haven’t been to a legit service in a couple weeks, only playing with adorable three year olds, I really miss it.  Next Sunday, I will do both!

Jesus, look what You’ve done for me.  Brought me from the depths of self-absorption of depression to this.  This abundant, never-ceasing feeling of being ALIVE.  What else can I do, but use my life and my love to praise You?  Use all that You allow me to do in this life as a form of worship to Your never-ending love, Your love that heals, changes, ignites life.  A love I don’t deserve.

What can I do to show You more love . . . to love You more and more as You love me?