what if i believe You now, could it ever change this heart?

I can’t get over what Jesus did.  And at the same time I can’t get over the time that I wasted, the time that I just didn’t care.  He forgives me, He’s forgiven me for five and a half years (five and a half years TODAY, I just realized), and I need to get over the wasted days.

I can’t get over that He bridged the gap.

Can’t get over all He’s done for me.

Can’t say “thank You” enough times for it to pacify me, even though I know thanking Him once and giving Him my life was enough for Him.

I can’t get over it.

but i wouldn’t believe Him, He did all that He could, i still would not believe Him.

i left His arms empty and tied, outstretched for me until He died.

and here i am alive, and i don’t have the right.  and He gave me the right, costing Him His life, new mercies in the morning.

i believe, what if i believe You now?  could it ever change this heart?  forgive me, relieve me, please come back to life . . .

circle, flyleaf

Jesus’ love changed this heart.  Jesus’ love continues to change this heart.

And I can’t get over it.

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here i stand empty hands, wishing my wrists were bleeding to stop the pain from the beatings.  there You stood holding me, waiting for me to notice You . . . but who are You?  You are the Truth, outscreaming these lies.  You are the Truth, saving my life.

Red Sam, Flyleaf

I wore this shirt intentionally today, I called it my Purposeful Shirt.  Tonight was the first time that telling my story was planned—intentional–that I could think about the telling beforehand.  I didn’t say all that I wanted to, but I think I said enough about all of the things that Jesus has done in my life.

Continue your story.

||semi-cross-posted at kerri365||

i love You and i understand that You stood where i stand

i’m sorry.  i don’t need to remember / it’s true that i dream less often / i’m not ashamed / of that long december / your hand’s coming down again I

close my eyes and brace myself / i only notice your face / no matter what you’re gonna build my shell / . . . i need the salty taste

i’m falling.  i’m shedding my skin / but it’s not time i’m told / i am aware / of what you mean by then / i’m only ten years old

i close my eyes and brace myself / i only notice your face / no matter what you’re gonna build my shell / . . . i need the salty taste

my scars are Yours today . . . and this story ends so good.  i love You and i understand / that You stood where i stand (thank You)

i close my eyes and brace myself, i only notice Your face, no matter what, You’re gonna break my shell / i need the salty taste

i’m done healing . . . i’m done healing.

i’m sorry | flyleaf

and it tells me that God is on our side

This song came into my life at the right time for various reasons…  Got it on repeat on iTunes now.

pour the wine
light revives
lowering walls that divide
kings and queens yearn to seek
love in all its mystery
when all we wanted was love,
we got cut up and burned
but there’s a light in your eyes
and it tells me
that God is on our side
the waning moon
your sweet perfume
incense for the Holy Ones
secret hymns pour from your lips
healing for this broken soul
we’d drive late
and let the music tell our fate
for me this is heaven
drown our fears
and we may age
if we do not die today
until then we’ll let
this music be our prayers
when all we wanted was love,
we got cut up and burned
but there’s a light in your eyes
and it tells me
that God is on our side
and all we need now is love
we’ve been through enough
we can’t run just ’cause we’re scared
we’ve come this far
we’re not giving up

light in your eyes // flyleaf

ETA: I now have a new song that has made me cry from being beautiful and true.  Awesome.

remember to live

What a fitting name for an album with the direction this blog has been sitting lately.  I picked up the new EP by Flyleaf REMEMBER TO LIVE today.  Many of the songs weren’t new to me, thanks to the internet, but they are new mixes and full-versions of songs I’ve heard pieces of.  It’s awesome.  It’s kind of chill and reflective, which is something I sometimes just really crave in an album.  Lots of kickback, thought-provoking acoustic.

Makes me wanna go grab my notebook and guitar.

remembrance day – justice and mercy

Living in a country that is at peace, it’s not part of my everyday to think about war, about mass violence, unrest and fear.  Though my country is at peace, there are many fine men and women who have sacrificed themselves in many ways for the security of my country, and to bring hope to others who are not as fortunate as Canada is.  Countries where bombings, shootings and landmines are a very real reality.

The effect of the Canadian Forces on my life is both direct and distant.  I am free because they work hard to promote peace.  I am free because people from my country and others have died in working to create peace globally.  It isn’t fair, but it’s what has happened in the past, and what is still happening.  It is because of the Canadian Forces that I did not grow up exposed to warfare and violence.

So today, I think.  I think about what people I have never met have done for me, my community, and my country, to allow me to experience this peace.  I think about those who survived going to war; those who came back changed forever, their families changed, by their experiences.  I think about their families and friends, who have seen first-hand the transformation take place.

I think about those who made the ultimate sacrifice – who left everything they had here, left their families and friends, to fight, and died in battle.  I think of and pray for their friends and families, who live every day knowing that their loved one died fighting against injustice.  But who miss and love them deeply.

And I think of the men and women who are serving now, near and abroad, and the things they are doing every day to restore peace and justice in a broken world.  And I know that we cannot forget the sacrifices that have been made by all of these people.  I pray for restoration, for healing, for hope.  And we remember.

we can’t be oblivious / we are not ignorant / blood in our hearts / blood on our hands / we’re human, we reason / we’re breathing, protecting / the living and dying / surviving, we’re trying / to breathe in safety, come home safely

mercy screams its violent love / justice and mercy / the depth of us created for / justice and mercy / this is where they kiss

life here sacrificed / someone who paid the price / blood in our hearts / blood on our hands / we cry out, we’re fighting / it’s warfare, we’re dying / believing, we’re winning / it’s ending, we’re singing / its already done, we’ve overcome

with a life on the line / the fire / that consumes or refines / the finer / to ascend or decline / to retreat or to climb / out of sight out of mind / till attacked from behind / will this fire . . . consume or refine?

justice and mercy, flyleaf

This year and last, have clung to this song which was written by Flyleaf with the American military in mind.  Clung to the hope that those who have fought, and lived or died, will never be forgotten for what they have done, and what they continue to do.

Remember.