whatever we go through i will follow You

now that i know i’ve finally found my home, this life is not my own, whatever we go through, i will follow You

You held me up and made me learn to love more than myself, You took my hand before i knew there was more than myself

myself — fireflight

Before I started inclusion at my church’s youth group, I have likely mentioned before, that I declined opportunity to apply for inclusion positions at many, many daycares this past summer.  This was for various reasons—such is life, you never know what you are getting into, until you are already in.  Not trusting myself to have adequate skills was another one.  When I was asked if I would want to try working with a sixteen-year-old at church, I handed it over to God, trusted Him that He was lining things up as He wanted . . . and said yes.

This began my experience in inclusion—working toward the full potential that just needs to be unleashed from the kids I volunteer with.  I feel that as I grow in this experience that started five months ago, and grow in Jesus (the two very much go hand in hand, as does my current field of study at school with kinesiology and developmental studies, which is something only God could plan!) that this definitely, definitely was not an accident.  I’m sure there was a lot of prayer involved that I did not know about, and I never would have dreamed when I said I would try, that it would lead to so much—so much adaptation, change in perspective, love.

I was recently asked by the parents of both of my girls I do inclusion with if we could arrange outside-of-youth hangouts or doing respite care for their families.  We are now ironing out details, and I am excited to go out and have some fun on my first outing with one of them next Thursday.

I have thought of it time after time, how happy I am to be in my church.  And in addition, how happy I am to be able to work one-on-one with the kids in a group setting but not be a small group leader.  How exciting it is that it has led to experiences such as those that have been transpired, how much I am growing, and how only God could have brought me here, how I am GROWING in Him.

There is nothing boring about being alive. 

Life throws out the unexpected.  Curveballs.  So what else to do but CATCH them and make the most of it!  LEARN, help others, LOVE and do your best to follow where God is leading!

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oh, hey 2011

Delightful end to 2010 by cooking tortellini alfredo for dinner coupled with purple kool-ade and skittles, making Puppy Chow and chocolate cake containing coffee [which I just accidentally typed as chocolatte cake.  Which is equally accurate], having good talks about people from high school, and painting with one of my lovely best friends, Katie.

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IMG_0010IMG_0002We calmly [okay, one scream—me of course] started 2011 listening to Red and eating Doritos and consuming Gatorade sitting on my bed with the hippie lights on with one of my best friends.  It was way chill, but probably one of my favourite New Years Eves so far!

My only thoughts on 2011 is that I want it to be much like 2010 ended — full of CREATIVITY, LOVE and feeling ALIVE.

“Jesus, let me die inside this – raise me up to live again like You did”

—In The Dark // Flyleaf [alternate chorus]

I’m reading Melody Carlson’s Pitch Black right now.  Again.  The focal point of this book is suicide.  It brings up many interesting points, one of which is spiritual suicide through Jesus.  It really causes me to realize that I think if it weren’t through spiritual suicide through Jesus that day in September ‘05, that I would not be here right now.  “Dying to death and rising to life” [Uncle Bobby, Flyleaf].

Because I cannot get over it.  I cannot get over how Jesus so fully fixed what I thought was a totally worthless life, and killed the old part of me so completely.  The bitter, depressed, angsty part of me.  And let me LIVE.

The book highlights Matthew 16:24.  At this point, Jesus says something to His disciples that totally hits me in the face every single time.

If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.

Matthew 16:24-25, NLT

If I held onto my life, I would have lost it.  In a very, very real way.  Yet, by SURRENDERING my life to Jesus, by giving it all to Him I am here.

I am ALIVE.

my heart . . . is alive

My thoughts have all been really tangled lately, so much so that I haven’t been able to write a coherent post.

God is definitely moving in me and that’s really, really cool.  I am learning more about TRUSTING His faithfulness every day; even now.  I’m finding myself once again contemplating phrases, contemplating past and present and future.  Where I’ve come from, where I am, where I’m going.  Contemplating this crazy thing called life, where God has saved my life before I even knew Him, and then again when I met Him. 

My heart is beating because of my God; my God who knows I can’t do this on my own, my God who knows more about me than I know about me, my God who has turned me from nothing into something.  My God who has LOVED this broken heart to healing.

My God who has given me life and hope.

i am finding out / that maybe i was wrong / that i’ve fallen down / and i can’t do this alone . . . stay with me.  this is what i need, please

sing us a song and we’ll sing it back to You / we could sing our own, but what would it be without You?

i am nothing now / and it’s been so long / since i’ve heard a sound / the sound of my only hope . . . this time i will be listening.

this heart, it beats, beats for only You.  this heart, it beats, beats for only You.  my heart is Yours.  [my heart it beats for You, it beats, beats for only You, my heart is Yours, please don’t go now, please don’t fade away].

my heart, paramore

“In this world you will have trouble; take heart!  For I have overcome the world” // john 16:33