The last few days have been kinda rough. I feel like I’m both in a very new place, but also reverting to places of the past, places where I don’t necessarily want to be, places I don’t think I belong.
Right now I don’t feel good. My spirit and passion for God were really ignited tonight, and I feel like I’m going to grow and learn this year. But physically, I just don’t feel good. Wednesday and Thursday were both persistently tough breathing, and I’m breathing a little better right now thanks to a fair bit of medicine. I can deal, whatever. Right now the lungs are okay, but I just feel sick and headache-y and have been like that for a few hours.
Emotionally, it’s been a little tougher. I have really been leaning on God this last week, and that is good, but it’s been a rough week. Worrying about a friend who’s been going through some really tough times. That especially. Coupled with slightly rocky breathing, getting back into the jive of school hardcore, it’s just been tough.
The place where I feel I’m reverting to places of the past is with how things are at home right now. I’m making stupid mistakes, I’m being called on it, called stupid on it. Because I try to do all that I can and still fuck up on it, and that’s nobody’s fault but my own. Because maybe they’re right, maybe I am stupid and useless and not all that they’d dreamed of. This too is how I used to feel, and still do sometimes. Like now.
Yeah, I can act like I have my shit together, I totally can. In reality, I just have a God who’s bigger than all this, a God that’s got my back, and a God that has in some ridiculous way rescued me from who I was five-plus years ago and transformed me into this girl who’s stumbling after Him, but who still swears when she writes, who doesn’t pay nearly enough attention to Him a lot of the time, who sometimes has problems at home, and who still needs to open her eyes wider. A lot wider.
And for some reason, He’s called this current version of that same girl to be a youth leader. Because there is a reason that I’ve become engaged, a reason that He lead me to Forward tonight. A reason that people are praying—a reason that people are praying for me. A reason that I’m praying.
And all the tough stuff? There’s a reason for that too.